“I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat, I believe your baby has passed”……
There is no a way to describe how these words feel exactly. I felt an emptiness and a longing. I was not able to breathe and my heart seemed to have stopped too. It was my worst fear realized. It was a nightmare. I just wanted to wake up from it. It was the begging of a journey, but I did not know what the journey would look like.
Infertility and Miscarriage
It’s not the desired course I chose for my life. I’ve sought answers from God and people in the medical field. The question is left unanswered. My child would be two and a half right now. I think about him every day. It’s like breathing for me. The thoughts, the longings and sometimes the overwhelming need to just hide away from the world will just take over. I am not the same person that I was before We lost him.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. In the begging of our marriage, my husband was not ready to begin our family. Even though I was already 26 and my clock was ticking like a time bomb, I respected his decision to wait. I wish now that I had insisted that we start trying for children earlier, the hind site being 20/20 I wonder if we would be having this conversation today.
I had a miscarriage when I was 21 before I married my husband. I was young and not married and the baby was a surprise to me as well as the father who wanted me to have an abortion. I was not willing to do that and he broke off his relationship with me. I lost the baby at 5 months through miscarriage too. There were evident complications with that pregnancy as there was not a “baby” but a blob of tissue instead. I was told it was a molar pregnancy. I had not known for months that I was pregnant until right before the miscarriage, I did not have time to wrap my head around the loss. It was difficult and significantly changed my life, but I was not broken to the point of depression and did not experience PTSD as I did with my most current loss. I had hope that one day I would be a mother, but, after being married for 10 years we still had not conceived.
March 14th, 2014
I had been having significant cramps all week but my period had not arrived. I looked up the cause on google and a page for mommies said that it was related to being in early stages of pregnancy. I was a little skeptical and curious too. I had bought a digital pregnancy test months before and had one left. So in the early morning hours of April 14th, 2014, I found myself watching the clock as the test was being processed. It read PREGNANT 2-3 weeks on the screen! I woke my husband up…it was 2:00 a.m. He was bleary eyed but excited and we said a prayer right away for the health and protection of this baby. I then went to my PCP that very day to confirm it. Exactly a month later I was laying on the cold exam bed having our ultrasound done and the doctor had a look on her face. She said that there was no heartbeat. I could see our little baby clear as day on the screen and he was not viable. My world crumbled. I would not actually have the miscarriage for another three weeks, as I refused the medications to cause the miscarriage, and I did not want a DNC. Instead for three weeks, I prayed as I have never prayed in my life for my child. I knew that God could bring him back to life, and I prayed that he would. I read stories from the bible where God clearly allowed people to be brought back to life. John 11 the story about Lazarus, and First Kings 17:17-24 when Elijah raises the widow’s son back to life. But I was not granted such a miracle and my faith also collapsed. This began my spiral into depression with anxiety attacks that would grip me for two years.
We held a ceremony for our baby on May 10th, 2014 at a local park with a few close family and friends. I bought a tiny red toy boat that opened up and my sister in law had made a miniature baby blanket. I placed a note along with the blanket as well as a battery operated candle inside the body of the boat and set it into the pond at the park. We also released balloons with notes from our friends and family attached. We named our baby Gabriel Shalom. I do not know if he was a boy, but I feel in my heart that was the name we should place give our angel baby.
I know that every mother will experience the loss of a child, namely miscarriage in a different way. I honestly feel that I had also experienced post-partum depression as well as the depression from the loss. Combined it was a perfect storm to wreak havoc on my mind and body. It was difficult for me to continue working because of the complexity of my depression. As I was finishing out my two weeks at my job I met by divine appointment a woman who would be instrumental in my healing. Through her and by the confirmation and acceptance from family members my husband and I began our adoption process. We are not finished yet, as we still wait for the children that God has for us. This journey and the anticipation has helped to soften some of my wounded spirit. I will never be exactly whole after losing Gabriel. His life though short; only nine weeks, has had the biggest influence on me thus far. I think that is the point in having children. They are meant to teach you about yourself and about who God truly is. On this journey, I have been able to witness other miracles and receive gifts and blessings that I would not have noticed before. I view life as precious and fleeting and it must be protected. It is a gift. I have slowed way down in my living too. I no longer desire to chase after the current fashion and other vain enterprises. I prefer to garden and breath in the fresh air and enjoy the sunlight on my face. I prefer the simpler things in life. I was broken vessel, but God is fixing the cracks to make me stronger so that I will be the best mother to the children that he has chosen for us.
I am going to be writing blogs of stories from families who are in the adoption process or have adopted already, as well as foster families, in order to bring about a larger awareness of this situation which is an epidemic of enormous proportions.
I invite all questions and comments.
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